But that is what my sense of self wants. That is not what gets me beyond the confines of karma. What gets me beyond the karma is the appearance of a mirror that pops up and clearly shows me my attachments. This can only happen when I project my attachments onto something external.
As long as I rummage around the thoughts and feelings inside my head/being, there is practically no way out for me. I am continually running in circles, realizing new truths, while still living in the confines of the spider web created by my own machinations. I must project my wants and desires into the world to see clearly what the brutally honest feedback from life will be.
Is there a need and a want for my services? If yes, then I will feel vindicated and elated. If not, then I’ll feel dejected and thrown back to the starting point. I’ll never give up trying to improve this existence. I am just trying to find my place in existence.
So, this is my conundrum. To be liberated and also to maintain a slight connection with life, just enough of a connection to be of help to others with their spiritual quest. There is little desire in me to get involved in this life for any other reason. To be and not to be.